Sarah and Emily and Laura all hate me. Probably Trento, too.

At first, this bothered me. I was really sad.

But Tierney, you've moved on. Or at least, you're going to.

What did you think would happen? All of a sudden, you'd start hanging out with them every day? And they would accept you into their little group? Would you have moved back to Lancaster, go to AVC, all just to be with them?

No.

That's ridiculous. You got out of that town, you moved away from there. You don't ever need to go back. You're not trapped like they are.

Hehe. They're trapped there. They're stuck in their own little world, in smelly old Lancaster, going to AVC. Maybe they'll "graduate" with their high-status AA and maybe they won't. But you definitely will. You'll graduate with your REAL diploma in two years and then go to law school. You will definitely make something out of yourself, you can be sure of that. But are you sure of what they'll be doing? Nope. And quite frankly, I couldn't care much less.

Nic broke up with me 9 days ago. I'm still not sure what is going to happen. He's mad because I called boy scouts a joke, but he's also mad about a lot of other things in our relationship. He's also mad right now about me writing a note about Sarah Allen and her reading it.

Sometimes, I think that we're going to get back together. He'll start to miss me as his girlfriend and he'll want to be with me again. And sometimes I think that I would jump at the opportunity to have him back. But other times, I think that I could do much better.

Nic is not husband-material. So why waste my time with him?

But then I think that I love him and I miss him and I want him back.

It is a vicious cycle.

What is forgiveness?

I have no idea.

I'm not a forgiver. I don't let things go away. I hold on to things that upset me. I wish I didn't. I always wished I could be more like Nic, wished I could be more forgiving.

He says he'll never be able to forgive me.

But I don't know how serious that really is. I don't know what it takes to forgive someone.

I thought forgiveness was a conscious thought. But that was wrong. How could I ever chose to forgive what he did to me two summers ago?

Then I thought forgiveness is what happens when the situation stops hurting. But does a situation ever stop hurting? I forgave Nic for Halloween. But it still hurts.

I don't know what forgiveness is.

My dictionary says forgiveness is "the act of excusing a mistake or offense."

I suppose that's true.

My life is hopeless.

I know I don't deserve a second chance. But I still want one. All I'm asking for is that when it stops hurting, to have a second chance.

I don't deserve a second chance. Yes, I could make him happy. But I hurt him. I hurt him more than anyone else ever has.

I wouldn't have invited Deb to our wedding. Because she hurt him. She doesn't deserve to come.

But then again, if I knew she was truly sorry, I probably would have.

Nic knows I'm truly sorry. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I know he'll never forgive me. I'm asking for another chance, after it stops hurting.

He told me he couldn't be my boyfriend because it kills him at Boy Scouts. But if it stops killing him, would he be able to take me back?

Is part of the reason he broke up with me to punish me? I don't deserve him, so I'll never have him?

He used to tell me that he didn't deserve me. But I stayed with him because I wanted him. Maybe, when it stops hurting, he'll know that I don't deserve him, but he'll stay with me anyways.

I am so upset.

Eliza asked me last night, "What would you do if he didn't come back?" And I couldn't think of an answer.

I wanted to say "Kill myself." But that's a little too much crazy to release to them.

But I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't come back. I guess my only alternative is to move on. But what if I never find someone as good as Nic?

In The Notebook, Allie and Noah split up. Allie moved on and found a new man that she never loved as much as she loved Noah. And Noah was depressed literally all the time. He never moved on. If Allie had never gone back to him, what would have happened? She would marry a man she didn't love with all of her heart, and he would never be happy again.

I'm afraid that's what's going to happen with Nic and me. I know it probably sounds stupid to say this, but I really do believe that we belong together. I understand him better than anyone else ever could, and he knows me better than I know myself. He is smart and funny and cute, he likes old-fashioned things like jazz and he likes dressing up. He likes Star Wars and video games and he loves being involved with theatre. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy. How can I ever find someone that can come close to that?

I never will. I will die an old maid because of one word I said. Just one word ruined my entire life.

I never thought he was a joke. I know I said that I did. But I have never thought he was a joke. I never thought the Eagle rank was a joke.

If he knew how I felt the day of his Eagle Court.... if only he would realize how I felt. I was so proud of him. I wanted to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time, I was so excited.

I told him after his final scoutmaster conference thing that I was no more proud of him as an eagle as I was before. And that is entirely true. I'm not proud of him because he has that title.

I'm proud of him because he works hard.

I'm proud of him because he loves Boy Scouts.

I'm proud of him because his peers voted him into the OA.

I'm proud of him because the other guys look up to him.

I'm proud of him because he is strong.

I'm proud of him because he really and truly lives and breathes the lessons Boy Scouts has taught him.

Who wouldn't be proud of him?

I want him so bad.

There is nothing else in life I've ever wanted as much as I want him.

I would do anything for him.  I would give up my grand office.  I would quit rainbow.  I would get my tubes tied.  I would shave my head.  I would cut off a toe if he said that would make him happy enough to be with me.

I don't know what to do.  There is nothing for me now.  Nothing.

 He said he would make it up to me.  But he didn't.

He said we could celebrate our "14th monthiversary."  What did we do for it?  He wrote "happy 14th" on a sheet of paper and then finger fucked me.  That was real special.

Mostly I'm just angry.  He asked how he could make it up to me.  I gave him the perfect idea.  And he did nothing with it.  He could have put more effort into my card.  He could have brought me flowers from his front lawn.  He could have lit candles and made me lunch, instead of eating some easy mac on my bed.  He could have rubbed my back and kissed my neck and told me how much he loved me.  He could have changed his stupid fucking facebook status to "in a relationship."  Oh but wait, he wouldn't want anyone to get the idea that we're somehow involved.  That was stupid of me to think that he means it when he says he loves me and that I'm the best girlfriend ever.  Because if he did, and if I was, then why would he be so ashamed of it on facebook?

I know it's stupid to want such a small thing like a relationship status.  But I don't care, because it's important to me.  Just like Halloween was important to me.  Just like our 14th monthiversary was important to me.

For the record, our 14th monthiversary was only going to be special because he was supposed to be making amends for abandoning me on Halloween.  It was just one idea I came up with that he could have used to make the world seem right again.

He didn't have to celebrate it (not like he did anyways).  He just had to do something.  He could have dressed up in his costume, and had me do his makeup instead of his precious Emily.  Then we could have turned out the lights and watched a fake-scary movie like Gremlins.  And he could have his little sister come knock on the door to go "trick or treating."

He could have popped popcorn, bought candy, and put soda into cups with straws.  He could have drawn movie tickets on construction paper and dressed up and pretended to take me out to a movie.  And then we could watch a movie I've never seen before, sitting up through the whole thing with his arm around my shoulders.

Or he could have made one of those "coupon" book things.  Where there is a "coupon" for one free kiss and a "coupon" for buy one get one half off a hand massage.

There are so many things he could have done to make it up to me.  But in his eyes, they're all stupid and pointless and not worth it.

I'm not worth it.

Is it ever going to stop hurting?

He said he didn't know how much it meant to me.  But even if he had, nothing would be different.

How could he not know?  How could he not know that it was this important to me?

He knows how much it kills me that he never takes me out.

He knows how much I wish we could be like other couples.


And still he said he didn't know how much it meant to me.

 I don't know what changed.

At first, he asked if I wanted to come.  I said yes.  He said he'd ask.

Then he changed his mind.  He said he didn't want me to come anymore.  He said I'm overwhelming him.

Now the trip is cancelled and he still doesn't want me to come.

I don't understand.

Why can't he just tell me the truth?  Why can't he just say it?

EMILY DOESN'T LIKE ME.

Why does he think it hurts less when he lies to me?  When I believe him, and I'm still friends with her, and I try to talk to her and be nice to her and spend time with her?  Does he think it feels better, realizing now that she's been pretending to be nice to me, secretly wishing that I would just leave her alone?  I feel stupid.

I am stupid.

I believed him when he said Emily wants to be my friend.  I believed him!  And now, I've made a complete idiot of myself and I hate it.


If she really wants to be my friend, why doesn't she want me around?

 

Is it so wrong that I sometimes want what other people have? Lynsey and Josh are going together to a Halloween party. Caroline and Anthony are passing out Halloween candy together at his house. Sani carved a pumpkin together with Mitch. Rachael is going to Disneyland with Jake. Together.

 Why did she do this to me?

She has two other friends to hang out with.  Two other friends to spend time with and to have fun with.  Two other best friends.

What do I have?  A lonely, empty, scary dorm room and one boyfriend.

And she took him from me.

I'm so alone.  I have no one in my life who really cares about me.

 It started with, "If we weren't going to Santa Monica, I would be hanging out with you."

Then, "We're not going to Santa Monica, do you want to hang out?"

"Well, I'm hanging out with her, but do you want to spend time after?"

And now, "I was going to hang out with you in the morning or afternoon, and then hang out with them."


I feel used and abused, shagged and fagged; hurt and dying on the floor.
And nobody cares.


He was all I had to take me away from this life that I hate so much.  He was all I ever needed to be happy.  He was all I needed.

But he just doesn't get it.

You said you'd always be here for me, whenever I needed you.  Whenever I needed you.

tierney-dale.livejournal.com/5490.html




I cried myself to sleep in the shower.

I woke up because I couldn't breathe.

I guess my body knows I would hate to drown.

Too bad.